Day 37 of Cleanse.
A few days ago I actually began feeling hungry for the first time and my body started feeling interested in food again. Seeing Gabrielle Cousens speak a few nights ago here in Bali, I asked him if he had advice for a long fast… he said “more meditation, and I don’t suggest going past 40 days since you could get ungrounded.” Ok, I thought… for sure more meditation, not so sure about the other part, though I was open to it. A few days later my boyfriend said I looked something like a ghost walking around with such a light step – maybe it was all my singing to the plants in the garden, and feeling so very at one with them. Then the super amazing colonic therapist extradiannoire Nigel, gave me something of the same indication. My mind expanded more into breaking fast based on what others see – then I journey within myself, feel deep into my body and being, and ask what I truly need. My mind is at peace with either direction, and doesn’t have a tug in either direction really – its become a servant to my body. Scanning into my body, I feel my adrenal glands in tender motion, tired, slight discomfort – asking me to check in with how I’m using my energy – specifically around working full-on in a tender state (right, more meditation), and my female organs also felt quite active, not uncomfortable, yet letting me know there’s definitive movement happening – next my belly, this has been most puzzling. This was day 34, how could my belly look 2 months pregnat, and feel so full? Yes, much waste yet to be released, for sure. The next day, Nigel worked his magic on me. First with a half hour belly/intestinal massage while talking with me about what I may be holding onto, i.e. why my belly was still full – then I realize, its full of old emotions I’d yet to release, and this tension was causing the constriction of mucous, gas, and “older than older” stuff as Nigel put it. During the colonic, there it came – all the older than old stuff that’s been clogging me up on some level for a very long time. Wow, and I’m someone who’s been seriously fasting for 11 years as a lifestyle and more less all raw – and vegan for over 20 years. What really caught my attention is when he asked if I had been eating sesame seeds, “uh no, I haven’t been eating anything.” Then he let me know I passed a big load of gall bladder stones – and that we got about half of it out. Whew. Did it hurt? No, not at all… actually felt SOOO relieving. Yet, the second biggest relief was sitting on the toilet immediately after and passing at least another 100 or so out, wow… all the sudden my eye sight felt sharper, my mind more clear, and I could feel an intensive rush of oxygen flowing through my whole body, and my breath naturally deepened. Even with all this, my belly had only gone down by half. After massaging it into the evening, and 2 enemas in the morning, another 1/4 of it came out – more stones and old bile. It’s almost empty now, yet not completely. Which gives me the sense its not quite time to start eating solid food. Putting new food on top of old waste feels like it would undo some of the progress I’ve made in these past weeks. No problem, though food is beginning to have appeal again, my body’s wisdom speaks much louder. I’ve gone onto blends as of today – raw soups – along with continuing copious amounts of green juice, and some lemon water. Once my body has released the last holding, I know I’ll be much more absorbent – and ready – for solid food. I’m in no hurry though, as I can feel a deep transformation happening inside of my mind, as my body is releasing not only old physical stuff, yet undoubtedly old emotional stuff… what that is isn’t yet clear, though it feels something like a rite of passage into womanhood. Fitting and perfect – despite the discomforts at times – since my birthday is tomorrow. I welcome in the woman I truly am, unencumbered by emotional constructs that have taken form in my body. I bless them, give thanks to them, and release them while welcoming all the teachings they have for me to mature from. I am grateful, humbled – and feeling so much lighter on all levels.